Thursday, June 2, 2011

Old Twine



There are few things more distinct to a man than how he takes his tea. A lot could be told about the sort of person he is, if only one was allowed to observe how he took his tea.

Or so Roy would like to think. He paused, and thought about it again. Nah, that probably wasn’t true. When you think about it, the only thing you could say about a man by seeing him prepare his tea, was in fact how he prepared his tea. Nevertheless, how he liked it could still be called unique to him.

Roy took a sip from his own cup, smiled, and placed it back down on the desk. This, this was how tea should be enjoyed. He smiled at his grandfather’s mahogany desk before him, he smiled at the fully carpeted British-era furnished room around him, he even smiled at the fresh flowers in the modern glass vase that had been placed on the desk, although the vase was probably a lot newer than most of the other furniture in the room. That didn’t matter. It went well with the regal look of the entire hall. He only stopped smiling when he looked back down at his teacup. It was a new teacup. It made him wince. He reached out, and carefully rotated the cup until the logo on it faced away from him. Then he smiled again.

Roy was happy, for now. He was happy because he was comfortable, and back in his grandfather’s room, the grandest in the whole of Ooty. He was especially happy because of the tea-making kit before him. A small kettle, a few cubes of sugar, several Earl Grey tea bags from Twinings, London, and plenty of sachets of powdered milk, which he approved of, even though they too, like the vase, had probably come here long after his father’s misfortunes, were all present in the compact little tray. And none of that masala nonsense. No elaichi, adrak, or any of the other strange spices the roadside riff-raff seemed to insist on putting in their tea. The horror. That was not tea. That drink was coarse, mud-coloured, and cheap. He knew tea. Water was to be boiled and the tea bag placed, but not shaken, in it for a minute and a half. It was as simple as that. The most unorthodox thing he would allow to be done with his tea was the addition of a few drops of lemon, and that was all. His grandfather had once even-

“You see Sir? He’s back again”

Roy turned. He had not heard the door open. At the entrance stood a young man in a apron, whom he had grown to dislike over the last few weeks, and another, older man, familiar, smartly dressed, upright, and wearing a tag on his chest that said ‘Manager’. Roy barely noticed either of them. He was busy grimacing at the metal plaque that he could now see had been attached to his front door. VILLA SUITE.

“Sir,” the older man said after the young attendant had left them alone, “I’m going to have to ask you to leave”.

Roy turned to look back at his beloved kit.

“I do not wish to be spoken to right now.” he said, “And this is my grandfather’s room, I will come and go as I please, thank you very much.”

The manager sighed, and dropped his formal tone, “Roy. Come now. You know you can’t stay here. Go back home. You can’t keep coming back here.”

Roy heard him but didn’t say anything. He clenched his jaw, and stared down at his bare feet resting on the richly carpeted floor beneath the grand desk. For the first time since he had broken in, he realized he was dressed in rags; worn versions of clothes that had once appeared quite fine. He wore no wristwatch, as that too he had had to sell, as his father had once this house.

His father’s old manservant looked at him sympathetically, and said, “I’ve got guests on the way here now. Finish your drink son. But I want you to leave after that, alright?”

He had turned and was about to shut the door again when Roy spoke again.

“I had no part in his gambling! It was just as much YOUR fault as it is mine! Why am I being punished? Why was I robbed of what should have been mine??”

Roy turned around again without waiting for an answer. He could be forced out of the property, this he knew and accepted. But he would not bear people looking at him with pity in their eyes.

There was a long pause, and the door closed behind him.

***

“Has he gone?” the manager asked the attendant half an hour later.

“Yes, he’s gone. But he’s probably-“

“Yes I know. Have the kit refilled before our guests arrive.”

“Refilled? You don’t think he’s taken the entire tray with him?”

“Oh no. The tray, the kettle, and the cup. Anything with our name and seal on it is still in that room waiting for us.”

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

HI

Fact 1: Quoting Hockey India President, head cheapstake, A.K.Mattoo, when asked about the players’ demand of Rs. 4.5 lakhs each –

“It adds up to nearly Rs. 1.08 crore. We don’t have that kind of money. We told them we have around Rs 30 lakh in our kitty and are ready to distribute Rs. 20 lakh. But it seems, for them, money is more important than playing for the country.”

Fact 2: Some figures released by Sahara India, in their annual report –

“Sahara India has signed a four-year deal with India’s shooting, boxing and wrestling federations, paying the players Rs. 2 lakh to Rs. 18 lakh per year, without adoring any logo.

Sahara had also struck a deal with Hockey India for the men and women’s team, but here, due to the complicated structure of this ad-hoc body, the money is paid to the federation itself. Thus there is no cash incentive for the players. In keeping with this deal, Hockey India received Rs. 1.78 crore for May 2009 to April 2010.”

So, in a teacup: HI received, from a single sponsor, Rs. 1.78 crore. HI Chief, Mr. Mattoo tells us, they have Rs 30 lakh ‘in their kitty’.

So the question is, where was the remaining Rs. 1,48,00,000 spent, Mr Mattoo?

Did you get yourself a new Mercedes?

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Wadians

Six months ago, something happened. Of course, six months ago loads of stuff happened, but among that stuff there was something pretty unremarkable- at-the-time and yet quite-significant-now. I decided to undertake a study of a race of beings quite different from the ones I have become accustomed to over the past few years. Which, by the way, is just a cool way of saying I joined the Nowrosjee Wadia College of Arts and Sciences, Pune.
So the story until now goes something like this: Having spent (read wasted) so many months in the company of these creatures known as the Wadians, and having eventually earned the right to even call myself one, I have formed a few conclusions, one of which is a bit in doubt.
BY observing them long enough, if there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s that these things, whatever they are, are radically different from all other humans. And the possible reasons for this are only two, both theorized by my Mother almost 2yrs back, when she sat watching T.V and tried guessing why exactly Inzammam Ul-Haq was the way he was.
Anyway the reasons are: 1) They’re all either too unbelievably DUMB to stick to the usual norms of civilized living, or 2) they’re so incredibly SMART, and so far ahead of the rest of us in most fields, that the stuff they say tends to sound a bit odd.
I myself am inclined to considering neither possibility. Being a Wadian myself now, it just doesn’t seem fair if I continue with this study. So I’m resorting to the only other means I have of solving something like this. That is, put it up on Facebook and see what people say.
So that’s what I’m doing now. I am posting only a very tiny part of my extensive research over the past 6 months. By showcasing this much, I hope that the people reading this will be smart enough (or hey, dumb enough) to form their own opinions about the species known as Wadians, and thus be saved from shock or surprise whenever they next meet one.
What I put up is this: Over the last few months, being still largely unaccustomed to the usual way of doing things around here, I ended up greeting people wherever I went, with the incredibly normal, very Hutchings-era, thoroughly average Question: What’s Up?
Now you’d think I would get a variety of answers, but hey, you aren’t a Wadian, so what do you know? I got just the same reply, again and again and again. What really makes this worth noticing is that every chap who said it, did so with the air that he was quite obviously the first person to have thought up something so smart, so witty, that it blew me away. It really did.
Q: Hi! What’s up?
The Reply of an average Wadian:
I lied. There were TWO answers. The next one’s a bit of a rarity, said only by the few exceptional people walking around the place, people who probably don’t really belong there.
Q: What’s up?
The Reply of the slightly more sophisticated Wadian:
Happy to have helped.
Cheers.

Monday, December 28, 2009

A Day in our Life

Ever get that feeling that you simply have to get your hands on a particular book TODAY, so you can read it today itself? No? Really? Ah well. I do, so sue me.

Having failed to find it in our local library (which is my usual remedy for such days), I realized that the only way I could get “The Catcher in the Rye” (classic, circa 1945) today, was by actually buying it.

I looked in 2 places.


I

Location: Inside Landmark, SGS Mall, Moledina Road, Camp.

Met: An old forty-something mustached guy sitting at the desk with an extremely tight tie. We’re gonna call him ‘Guy’.

Me: “There’s this book I’m looking for – The Catcher in the Rye”

Guy: “Catcher of rice?”

Me: “Catcher IN THE RYE”

Guy: “Um. Okay. Just one sec.”

*types in his comp*

“Hmm. Yes. Uh, Sallyngur?”

Me: “Yes, J.D.Sallinger”

Guy: “Yes, please come with me”

We walk over to the Literary Fiction/Classic section, where he spends 10 mins looking for it. He finally finds it thanks to the fact that it happens to be on the exact shelf, at the exact position his computer told him it would be.

I check the price.

Rs. 299 – Paperback.

I run away.


II

Location: Opposite Landmark, at the book stall outside Coffee House.

Met: Young 20-something chap with simple clothes, and who looks like he doesn’t speak a word of English. We’re gonna call him ‘Chap’

Me: “Ek kitab hai, kafi purani – Catcher in the Rye”

Chap: “Arre haan! Catcher-Rye! Ek minute”

*Eyes still on me, he reaches into a pile of books at the back, and pulls out the right copy*

“Ye lo. Ek dum mast kitab hai. Ladka hai. Bahut khhunnas hai usme. Mast hai.”

Me: “Thank you. Kitne ki hai?”

Chap: “80 rupees me le jao. Aur kuchh dikhaoon? Tuesday-Morrie? War-Peace?.....”

India :)